Please read "Be Careful What You Wish For" before this heartfelt letter that tore at my heart.
I've been hurt so much in my lifetime but having an adult (alienated) son tell you that you were just his "biological mother" was the end of the road for me.....painful beyond words.
The only way I could respond after the shock of such a statement was to cry and write. I raised my 2 sons practically alone - their father never showed any interest in them until their teen years when I started standing up for myself against all the abuse I endured.
This is what I wrote to my son in October of 2024...:
Dear Jared,
It's been an awful few months for me. I lost the entire summer of 2024. But you wouldn't know that - especially just from texting.
July was spent literally suffering through a bout of Covid. I wasn't permitted to take Paxlovid due to complications. The month of August was spent in and out of the hospital - more than once - due to long Covid complications combined with cancer.
Then September. September truly sucked. I was put on a new medication regime for 4 weeks to address a leukemia issue. The medication (daily) on top of cancer treatment (bi-weekly) made me wish I were dead. Side effects were debilitating. I couldn't even leave my apartment. But you wouldn't know any of this from our texting. I heard through your sentences that you were stressed. Knowing that was not healthy, I felt for you. Especially as your mother.
NOT AS JUST YOUR "BIOLOGICAL MOTHER!"
That phrase implies that I gave birth to you and gave you away or abandoned you in any way - which I most certainly did NOT! When you texted that phrase to me - telling me I was just your biological mother - I felt a knife in my heart that almost killed me. Words are powerful and those were devastating.
I truly raised you for 13 years - ALONE. I never had a partner nor a co-parent. But you don't seem to recall any of that. And I'm pretty sure you convinced yourself of this "biological mother" crap because it is easier for you to deal with pain - pain you experienced and pain that you inflicted.
I struggle with so much, too. And am truly sorry for any pain my own actions have caused you. I have apologized more times than I can count. I was going to say I can't give you blood - but you wouldn't want mine anyway.
You have hurt me terribly. But you don't want to know about that. All the awful things you had said and done to me - things you refuse to own. Not once did I ever hear an apology. Not even when you told me to get a gun and blow my brains out....calling me a cunt, kidnapping my dog, stealing my passwords, hitting me, so many awful things.
Not one apology from you.
You are an adult with children of your own. Old enough to know better.
Your texts occasionally hurt me - and I kept making excuses, just happy to be communicating with you. That was also hard for me. Being quiet when I'm offended doesn't feel right anymore. But when I expressed this to you - you shut down again and manipulate the situation. You cut me off again for defending myself. If there is anything I have learned through the years of healing - it is to stand up for myself.
You said you were "protecting" your children from me! Insane. But it’s ok to expose them to their grandfather who is a diagnosed sociopath!
What do you think I would do to them? Are you serious? Yes, I know you are - no matter how crazy it sounds. I also know you continue to be influenced by others. It’s trauma bonding. Don't let people tell you what to do - especially when they don't have any consequences.
That "biological" mother b.s. was something Jason spewed at me over 20 years ago - some things I never forget - when your father was having an affair with Janet (they got together when I was still married to your father and we were all living together). You are sure as hell old enough now to know the truths - though you might still try to ignore them. Jason had once long ago referred to the "woman" , Janet, your father cheated with as being his "new mother."
Pain. I know it all too well. And nothing hurts more than words from your own beloved children.
Getting back to your texts, I realize now that I mis-spoke and have expressed an apology. I used the word "stuck" because your deceased father in law used that word to describe you. After some thought, maybe you are on your own time schedule of controlling and torturing me more. I wish you were on the timetable of healing. And healing, like life, is not linear.
I get very frustrated with time. Cancer changed my own time frames.
I pushed for photos of my grandchildren. You sent me a pic of their backs in the distance on a staircase. Teasing me? Why would you do that? Without further communication, I can only guess why.
And you texted that telling my grandchildren about me would be too confusing for them! They don't even know I exist! Cruel. Just beyond cruel to both me AND MY GRANDCHILDREN. How that made me cry. That pretty much left no hope for me to have any sort of relationship with them - until they become adults and may come looking for me, their heritage. You shut a proverbial door in my face as you texted that you never gave them my cards, letters, gifts, etc. in all the years I have been sending them. You could have told them I'm their grandmother - YOUR Mom - and I live far away. Anything but....you erased me. You cannot imagine how that feels.
You and I agreed not to bring up negativity in our texts but I watched as you changed the rules. And you kept poking the bear. But you didn't like when I said I was being bullied several years ago - in reference to signing away my voice as you and your father in law demanded, protecting your abusive father.
If someone ever hurt your daughter Lara, beat her, raped her, ...how would you feel about someone demanding her silence? Shouldn't her voice always remain her right and her choice?
I did not want to rehash that awful time in my life - but you were the one to mention it. Then you didn't like what you heard from me. You did not want to discuss it. I certainly have made mistakes in my life but certainly not in refusing to sign something so awful, hurtful, and insulting! You wanted my complete presence removed from all social media, silencing me, without promising me a thing. Your father in law treated me like a business deal. He was WRONG to ever do so.
It has been very difficult for me texting you, as you are not the only person here with trust issues. And you refused to reassure me that you did not share any of our communications with anyone. For this alone, I haven't been able to sleep at night. You surround yourself with people who have caused me harm. I never want your father or brother to know my personal business - nor anyone in that horrible Levine clan. And if you shared anything with Kerri, she might tell them. It is very upsetting to me. I challenged myself, not trusting my gut, and opened up to you. I kept my word. But you did not.
Life is messy. You and I are both fragile. When you text something that is untrue (I asked if you lived near Paramus and you said you didn't know where Paramus was) all trust can go down the toilet. Cresskill isn’t far from Paramus. I mentioned going to therapy with me - at least for ground rules and to get closure on some of our issues. But that was not important to you - you said you didn't have the time for even one appointment. You could make the time. People make time for what matters to them. I did not speak up to tell you this, I just absorbed your response.
For the month of September I was in tremendous discomfort and on medication for pain. I tried reaching you by phone - you would not answer nor return a call. I emailed - but know that your father is the master account on all your email addresses so you might never have received them? Why is he still the account holder when you are almost 40 years old?
We must be able to let each other know when we are offended. Without going dark. If you tell someone they hurt you - you don't get to decide you didn't. I told you the "ed hole" story thinking you would laugh but you flipped it and told me how mad you were at me. Every good memory I tried to share, you had changed or erased. I think it's easier for you to just register bad, that must hurt less than remembering what a loving mother I was and am. The things we did together - soccer, Nintendo, reading - everything! I was always there for you. Me. I remember how it broke my heart to take you to a therapist when you were 9 years old because of the way your father treated you. You told the therapist your father didn’t love you. And gave her examples. Did you forget?
My relationship with you was manipulated when all I wanted to do was end abuse and divorce your father. I never thought it would mean losing you and your brother - not even when your father threatened me with never seeing you again.
I fought for you then and I'm fighting for you now.
Please keep moving forward with me.
*PS. Thank you for trying to build a bridge for 9 months via doggy pics.
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*The doggy pics was a disaster for me! I didn't tell Jared that but it reminded me of the time he kidnapped my dog for his father, during my divorce proceedings. It's as though God was sending me a clear message - Would I let Jared near the dog I have now? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS.
As awful as this sounds to you, the reader, I would never even let my son enter my home. It would be unsafe.
This entire communication taught me so much.
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