Shame on Who?

For over a decade, I worked at a local Jewish preschool.  I absolutely loved it!  I put my heart and soul into it as I enjoyed the children endlessly.  Don't get me wrong, it was a lot of work, and I would get home at the end of the day totally exhausted.  

After exhibiting my undying dedication to my position, one day the director of the preschool called me to her office.  She was never warm nor friendly toward me, so I was surprised at this request.  Needless to say, I immediately went upstairs to her office.

As I sat across from her at her desk, she certainly took me by surprise.  What she wanted to and proceeded to address was something that had absolutely nothing to do with my job position nor the children in my care. 

It was "brought to her attention" that I was a rape and domestic violence survivor.  Most people who know me knew that already.  But she went on to tell me that she was informed that I had written articles for the New Jersey Jewish News and often referenced my history.

Going on and on, I looked at her dumbfoundedly when she told me that the parents of the children in the preschool would not want their children in a classroom with a teacher that was raped or was a survivor of domestic violence.  Shocked and shamed at once, I felt like I was having an out of worldly experience.  

I thought victim blaming had ended when I was put on the witness stand of a Westchester County New York courtroom during my divorce, years earlier.  The harmful attitude that victims are responsible for their assault appeared to rear its ugly head as this preschool director continued to talk at me.

She reiterated that the parents of the preschoolers would not want a teacher with my history.  Without ordering me, she let me know that she did not want me to write about my past abuse experiences again.  The fact that I got out of an abusive marriage as a survivor did not signal an ounce of strength to her.  Instead it reflected a shameful past that should be kept to myself.  Here was yet another person in my life's path that wanted my silence.

Why am I writing this today?

Maybe because I recently watched the movie, "It Ends With Us."  Maybe because I woke up this morning thinking about the position this preschool director put me in years ago, and I beat myself up for not running to the head rabbi at the time - to report her.

And maybe I'm writing this at this very moment because I still want to scream that the shame should not be placed on a victim, but on the perpetrator.....

Shame on anyone that blames a victim for rape and domestic violence.

I continued to work at the preschool for a few years after that "talk."  I certainly regret not speaking out then and allowing that woman to demean me.  She broke part of my spirit then, but I loved the children so much that I stayed for them.  For years afterward.

Silencing a victim can manifest in many different ways.  I pray the parents of the preschoolers are not all so closed minded as the director portrayed them to be.  I never did find out who initially brought such a complaint to the preschool director.

Shame on that person who "reported" me.  

Shame on the preschool director.

Not on me.

I'm healing out loud because I nearly died in silence.