I want to leave something behind when my life is over; some small legacy of truth and triumph. Sharing my knowledge, my experiences and my past has given me strength and wisdom.
Maybe my legacy is what I’ve done with my life. All I can tell you for sure is that silence will not be my legacy, despite those who have insisted on it.
I have written and spoken openly about rape, domestic violence, and parental alienation (domestic violence by proxy). There have been several lapses in my writings – sometimes years, times when I’ve needed to take a break from all I remember, times when I’ve tried the silent route (thinking it would promote my alienated sons coming back to me, or I’ve been too fragile to feel certain feelings). And times when my cancer journey has been overwhelming. A decade ago, when I was writing my original blog, entitled “Until You Say Uncle,” I credit it with saving my life. One word at time. Never judge someone by the way they had to survive. I went through over 18 years in the New York court system that retraumatized me, rather than grant me any form of justice. I had my heart broken over and over again by 2 then-teenage sons who parroted their father's behaviours to such an extent that it was so much more abuse. And I would sit down at my laptop and write it out.
I tried journaling at first. That just didn’t do it for me. I’d fill the pages in a book but still carried it with me in my essence. After seeing the movie, “Julie and Julia”, I got the idea of creating a blog – and sending my voice out there into the universe.
It worked.
Sometimes, when you share things – things you carry around in your heart, soul, and mind – it makes them less heavy. That is the only way I can attempt to explain it.
And in the process of healing through writing, I have met a community of the finest and strongest people you could ever wish to meet. It’s sad how we have come together by our common adversities, but the strength we award each other is priceless. Courage, dear heart. I’m talking about women and men who have endured situations and continue to hold it together in spite of the things they endured. We share our stories to hold each other up. And we share our stories so they don’t have to be someone else’s future.
A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories we leave behind. It is who we were, are and are becoming. By the way, each of us is always “becoming” every day – no matter how old or young we are. Each day brings a new version of me. A piece or plot twist is added to my story, the story of me.
Rather than struggle with certain thoughts and feelings in silence, I’m back. On good days, and the not so good days. I’d like to re-continue my word sharing. And if it helps just one person (aside from me, of course) , well that is a win in my book.
One day, years ago when I was teaching, at the school’s carpool drop off, a parent watching me dance and laugh at drop off….came up to me and said, “You are the happiest teacher.” I’ll take that for the win!
It’s not easy sometimes – the finding joy. I can tell you that after 20 years of mourning my 2 sons from parental alienation, there is not a day I don’t think of them and send a prayer out to the universe. I’m not going into the whole definition of what PA is here – if you know you know – and my heart goes out to you. What I do want you to know is that it just may be the one thing that is forever.
My sons were alienated by their abusive father when they were in their teens. And they never got away from their father’s control, influence, lies, and manipulation. Not all alienated children escape. I will not give anyone false hope.
What I will tell you is that you, as a targeted parent of this abuse, must build a life of your own. Courage, dear heart. Fill it with small things that make you smile. And yes, you will smile again – even when your heart is being ripped to shreds.
Years ago, I spoke to Amy Baker, PHD, who specializes in parental alienation. My sons did not get college degrees and went to work for their father in his family business. A very affluent business with many financial perks. Dr. Baker had told me that unless my sons separated from their father (left the business), there pretty much was no hope in undoing the lies they were told and breaking the cycle of the alienation.
So now my sons are in their 40’s , still working in their father’s business. Both married with children of their own – my 4 young grandchildren. And the four young children are not permitted to know that I exist. It is all part of the domestic violence by proxy. A continuous cycle of abuse. It matters not that children deserve more love, not less. It is not about the children at all. It’s about control. And this sickness goes generation to generation.
So here I am telling you that there may be a chance where the cycle is not broken. I’m begging you not to let it break you. It is a mourning that never ends. A struggle that I do not wish on anyone. But know that you can survive it and create a new narrative.
When I didn’t know how to breathe without my sons, it took me years to figure out a way to keep going and actually look forward to tomorrows. It was a lot of work. And I struggled, believe me! Boy, did I ever. I remember the days I was immobile and didn’t want to go on. And then one day, I just did.
I started helping others in my community. I volunteered at a senior center, I dedicated days to volunteering at a food pantry…I returned to my art work, I assisted in animal rescues. The things we do for others remains as part of one’s legacy .
And every time someone told me what a difference I made in their life, it gave me strength to put one foot in front of the other another day. Purpose. Life became purposeful. Eventually, through therapy, I was able to give speaking engagements where I shared my story in the hopes of inspiring others to overcome difficulties and break cycles of abuse. I helped raise thousands of dollars for domestic violence shelters, so others would be safe and rewrite their own narratives.
All this did not stop my heart from aching, though. At this point in my life, I realize it is just something that I have learned to live with. Kind of like a constant bleed.
But I’m not bleeding 24-7 anymore. With a BFA in art education which I earned before I was married, I finally returned to the art of creating; painting and my Julie’s Bloomies magnetic flower pins. A part of the organization Soldiers’ Angels, I have been supporting our troops for 23 years now through a letter writing team. But I’m no longer teaching preschool as I focus on surviving a current obstacle, a rare blood cancer.
Something I’d like to pass on: sometimes the best way to help yourself, is by helping others.
I don’t ever want to stop writing. My blog means so much to me.
So my past won’t become someone else’s future.
My blog: www.untilyousayuncleagain.blogspot.com
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