When People Don’t Come From A Good Place

If you know me, you know it takes a lot for me to get mad. A lot!

I wrote this letter to a local rabbi….Rabbi Kulwin after he tried to get me to sign my voice away.  I was harassed from the moment my alienated adult son, Jared, was engaged to Kerri Berson.  I was ordered to keep my history of domestic violence, etc. , to myself.  And remove myself from ALL social media platforms. Marc Berson (Kerri’s  father) wanted to continue to be portrayed as a New Jersey hero of sorts avoiding the connection to a domestic violence survivor…and Robert Levine didn’t want people to know what he did to me and to others.

I was way too kind to a man, this man who called himself a rabbi….Because I wasn’t yet in touch with defending myself and protecting my rights. 

A person exerting coercive control may try to limit your freedom and independence.

Coercive control is a pattern of acts and behaviors that an abuser uses to take away your freedom and to control your life. The abuser may use fear, pressure, shame, or rules to wear you down and take over your choices.

Until eventually you have no more choices. No more voice.  You are erased.

Some people wanted to destroy my freedom and own my voice via a document I was demanded to sign.

An important note here is that a Rabbi Clifford Kulwin presented the document to me, and as he slammed it down on his library’s table with a pen….ordered me to sign it.

I told him I wanted to read it first.  Again he kept urging me to sign myself away.  I would be removing myself from all social media platforms and essentially be silent.  As I told him I help others on social media, his response was “It doesn’t matter. Sign it.”

My gut told me not to sign it, but take it with me and walk out of that synagogue.

I expressed no anger back then but I sure am angry now.  It has taken me a few years to expose what these people did to me.  And here I am!  Fighting battles not many know about.

Below is the letter I wrote to  Kulwin. And his response.

Reminder: anyone “coming from a good place”, as Kulwin says,  doesn’t demand someone’s silence and isolation.

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Dear Rabbi Kulwin,

I returned home this evening at around 5:30 and opened your email.  Honestly, I wasn’t going to answer it right away.  I’ll explain that.  After reading your sincere update, I opened another email….And it is basically the motivation for this letter.

A child in our community died today.  He was 15 years old .  He barely made it to his birthday today.  My heart aches for his family.  Jake Kestler (BDE) was killed by a brain tumor .  Cancer murdered him.  There are no words.

When a husband loses a wife, there’s a word.  Widower.  When a wife loses a husband, there’s a word.  Widow.  When a child loses a parent, there’s a word.  Orphan.  But when a parent loses a child, there is no word.

I’m sitting here not knowing exactly what to say.  I feel kind of empty and very, very sad.

I’ll do my best, using words to attempt to say what I hope to convey.

Life should be about love.  About kindness.  I know what you’re thinking – that would be a perfect world.  Yes, it would be.  But we can try to bring all that we can to the table.  I’ve learned that it isn’t only about what people say or do.  It’s about intentions.  And being kind.

My sons were my life.  My world in plain English.  If you don’t think that there can be hell on earth…well, I’ve lived through some things that astonish me.  I survived because of 2 sons.  Sons I love unconditionally.  I love them both with all my being.  I wish them both only the best.  But I feel like I lost the loving sons I knew.  And I did.

With each passing year, it doesn’t get easier.  The missing them.  Having children – no matter how old they get- is like having a part of your heart walking this earth outside of your own body. Their own behaviors and actions have made me reinvent a life without them.  But it is still a loss.  In fact, it feels like a mourning that never ends.

I wish Jared would come from a place of kindness. It is through his recent texts that I have come to realize that warm fuzzy feeling I had hoped to re-establish with him…well, he is not being kind.  More “plain English”….

Where the world can rip apart a son from his mother (like what happened today)…Jake loved life, and deserved so much more…. life is so precious.  Who knows how much time any of us have left. Which brings me to something that I hope you can obtain an answer for. There is a so called “Agreement” in place, and for reasons unbeknownst to me – my son will not permit me to have a relationship with my grandchildren.  No, he wouldn’t even send me a photograph.  Instead, I get texts of total manipulation.  Texts telling me to sign “a document” if I ever want the CHANCE to meet my grandchildren.  In all the numerous meetings with Marc, in all the communications over the last 2 years – that agreement was operative.  But still – no grandchildren at meetings – no photographs – nothing.  Why not???????

Realizing that the warm mother son relationship I had prayed for is just not something Jared is interested in, I held out hope that I could be the grandmother that I am to my grandchildren; the grandmother that loves to sing, dance, play, laugh, read and have fun.  The grandmother who finds such joy by teaching nursery school that she forgets she gets a paycheck for it. (Smile.)  With the 2015 court agreement in place – the one that Jared and Marc are obsessed with – why have I had this journey over the last 2 years with Marc…and STILL never met my grandchildren?  No one gives me an answer.  I can tell you it makes no sense.

You are such a wonderful Rabbi – and I appreciate you more than you can imagine.  I know all the time and effort you have made in attempting to rectify this situation.  You have gone above and beyond.  Yesterday, I felt awful for how you were in the middle of this.  And, with no reflection on you,  I walked away deeply saddened by the document you were asked to give me.  I was also a bit put off that Marc sent you a court transcript that he promised to keep to himself – which is not public information- but that was certainly not your fault.  It just took me off guard that he didn’t keep his word. 

Within that one page agreement, I felt like Jared wanted me to sign away my life – my identity.  It wasn’t just about keeping names and information confidential. And I can’t find one single thing in it that Jared committed to on his half of this effort.  Nothing.  While I promise to never use their names, never share Jared’s nor his family’s information, etc…..that does go without saying.  I want peace.  Regarding my grandchildren, I want to see them first – before writing and signing another agreement.  Regarding my grandchildren, they deserve to have more love – not less.

I cannot think about a rewrite of any sort today.  Between you and me, my heart feels empty and hurts at the same time.  It was aching after seeing how my son wants a document signed (he doesn’t exhibit interest in wanting a loving mother).  I have lost 2 friends to brain tumors over the last 1 ½ years….now Jake.  It shakes up my world.  And reminds me that we need to come from a place of love.  And kindness.  That piece of paper didn’t sound like it came from a good place.

After meeting my grandchildren, I’d like to revisit the said “document.”  I will continue to pray for Jared.  I truly do that.  A misheberach every Shabbat.  He has a lot of healing to do. May he one day only come from love and kindness.  And may he realize that we should focus on what holds us together…rather than focusing on anything that can tear us apart.

With immense gratitude,

Julie

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KULWIN’S RESPONSE:

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Re: Yesterday
From: "Kulwin, Clifford" <CKulwin@tbanj.org>
Sent: Wednesday, April 17, 2019, 5:32 PM
To: jhlstyle@aol.com
CC:

Julie:

I have refrained from answering until now partly to digest what you wrote and partly to take a break.  A little, some or all of what you write may be true - BTW, I officiated at Jake Kestler's funeral - it is also simply not relevant.   Below is a newly drafted and much shorter document.  I think it accomplishes what everybody wants in a few, simple words.   If you sign it, great.  If not, I don't know what more I can do.

Personally, I think Jared is coming from a good place.  If he weren't, this communication would not be taking pace at all.

I urge you to agree to sign this, and will be happy to arrange an opportunity for that as soon as possible.

Thanks,

ck

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