Halloween is Hard

For survivors of domestic violence, Halloween is often a uniquely dangerous and highly triggering time. While many celebrate the holiday as lighthearted fun, the central themes of the night can overlap heavily with the real-world trauma of abuse, surveillance, and control.

Halloween is the one night of the year where hiding one's identity behind a mask is socially normalized. For a survivor, this anonymity increases vulnerability, as an abuser or stalker can easily approach a home or follow someone without drawing suspicion.

On one particular Halloween night, children were at my door with some parents standing behind them.  A few adults, who I assumed were the children’s parents, were in costumes.  When I finished handing out the treats to the trick or treaters, a tall figure in the back of the group ripped off his rubber Nixon mask and laughed. I recognized that laugh even before I processed his facial features.  It was my ex husband - still trying to invoke as much fear in me as possible.  I froze. 

My restraining order was just a piece of paper that any sociopath would ignore. 

Ever since that night, I recognize and realize how dangerous Halloween is for abuse survivors who have left their perpetrator.  It’s not a fun holiday of any sort. It can be dangerous in my reality.

The core tradition of trick-or-treating requires opening the door to strangers repeatedly. When would anyone in their right mind open their door at night to strangers? For survivors—especially those who have moved to escape a perpetrator—this constant, unpredictable knocking can induce severe hypervigilance, mimicking the fear of an abuser finding their new residence.

I hate Halloween.

The abundance of fake weapons, simulated blood, screaming, and gore can be deeply distressing. While others see a "harmless scare," a survivor's brain can struggle to distinguish simulated threats from the real physical violence they have previously endured.  It is truly hellish for us survivors of domestic violence.

So for so many years…..I bunker down in the dark, pretending no one was home….wherever I live.  I do not go to costume parties.  Too triggering.  When my sons were children there was joy and laughter in creating their costumes, viewing all their candy and taking inventory, etc.  

My abuser showed me that even the most innocent of nights can be unsafe.  And that is a lesson that will remain with me forever.  It’s something every abuse survivor needs to recognize.

And as we close out the month of October, domestic violence awareness month, I warn all my fellow survivors of the potential risk there is when we open our doors to strangers.  Especially to those who are masked.

Stay safe.