All my life, I've felt like a square peg that just doesn't fit into the circular opening of a puzzle. So, often, I think differently and feel differently than others. And more often than I can count, I will acknowledge that I feel too much.
When my sons were in preschool, I had a Ferrari Mondial. It wasn't because the car was a status symbol. I am an admitted car nut. Throughout high school and college, the photo I carried in my wallet was a photo of a lamborgini countach. I have been car crazy since the age of 6 when my uncle introduced me to his shiny new Pontiac Bonneville convertible. I love cars. So this new Ferrari back then was a daily driver that my then husband and I both drove. As an abuse surviver with CPTSD, I can recall experiences and situations in the past extremely vividly. Especially the time when I knew I had to pick up Jared at preschool and the only car available to me was the Ferrari (we always had multiple cars in our collection).
I did not want to use it to drop off or pick up my sons at their SUNY Purchase preschool. Not wanting to make any other parents uncomfortable (I knew many of the parents were professors at the college on teachers’ wages), I just wanted to fit in. But the then husband and I had many a fight over using the car for such a purpose - I can recall one emotional rage explosion Robert Levine had in particular. It did not end well and I picked up my son in the flashy loud red car. My ex husband and I were such opposites in our thinking. He always wanted people to think he was better than them. I always just wanted to fit in. I never wanted to throw material things in anyone's face - but Robert enjoyed impressing people. At all costs. He made a point of boosting and boasting his economic image.
During my marriage, I always did what I could to volunteer for local Westchester County New York causes. I did so quietly. I specifically volunteered through Friends of Karen and at the Millwood Food Pantry. For years. I did not wear my diamond jewelry, my Gucci loafers, or Prada clothing there when I volunteered (retail items purchased to upstand the image my ex husband wanted me to project - he was all about status). No Chanel flats ever saw the Millwood Food Pantry. I didn't want to throw material things in anyone's face or appear so financially fortunate. I didn't want the gap between me and those I encountered to be as vast as an ocean. And I would park whatever car I was driving that day, down the block and walk.
It was as though Robert viewed me as an extension of his own image - I had to project wealth and success (neither of which I was personally). Robert was always in control of every single penny in our marital finances. When I would go grocery shopping, I would have to request an itemized approximate amount of the money I needed. Upon my return, he would review the receipt and take back the change.
When I worked part time in retail, if I didn't put the earned salary back into the store via items I'd purchase - my ex husband would take each and every paycheck. He demanded them - or else . It's so funny and sad...I remember him convincing our 2 sons that I had a shopping problem and kept stealing his money - I hate shopping and only came home with "things" so he wouldn't take my checks.
But when I volunteered at those local organizations during my marriage, I was just Julie. It was wonderful. Like a breath of fresh air. I never told Robert about any of it. In fact, I remember him screaming at the top of his lungs (which he did often) because packages of paper towel were missing in our basement's storage area. You see, Robert owns Foodirect, the largest wholesale food and grocery product business in Hunts Point Market of the Bronx, in New York. He used a part of our basement for items he would bring home - and I helped those items make their way to the Food Pantry. I'm smiling a huge smile as I type this. Robert wouldn't give anyone ice in the winter. That's for another blog entry.
As I'd park my car down the block from whatever establishment I was volunteering at, I was myself - no airs, no false images. Just the way I wanted to live my life and help others.
After I divorced Robert Levine, freedom was the first thing I felt. But I didn't even know what my favorite food was.
A few years ago, I saw something online that disturbed me emotionally to a point where I realized it made my stomach sick. A woman hosted an event for underprivileged young girls in Newark New Jersey. In several of such events' photos, she is wearing her Chanel shoes, her designer clothing, jewelry - exactly how my ex husband would have wanted me to appear. In my mind, all I could think was how inappropriate this appeared among young girls who may not even have owned their own toothbrush.
What makes people so clueless?
And why am I so different?
Now we have Facebook and Instagram to deal with. I avoid those social media platforms at certain times of the year.
I literally feel sickened when people post photos of their holiday tables to show everyone the abundance of food they have. There usually are no people in the photos so it's not like a family remembrance pic. Just photos of their luxurious table with overflowing food photos.
What are these people trying to say? And why?
I want to cry when people post piles and piles of holiday wrapped gifts under a tree for their photo op - no children in photos. What are they trying to show everyone? What they can afford?
And Chanukah is no different. Just photos of gifts piled up in my opinion serves no purpose other to accomplish the way the photographer wishes to present themselves to their audience. Look what I can do!
How many people do not have an abundance of food at their holiday tables? How many homes are without piles and piles of holiday gifts for their loved ones?
I had alot of both for most of my life and I did not and would not focus on such a display to the world. And it's no sour grapes because of my present financial struggles. It's a matter of consciousness.
Why aren't people conscious of how many don't have such opportunities? Why are people posting - Look at me photos- Look what I can pay for!
Why not think of the majority of the world? Especially those who are struggling in ways many can't imagine.
God bless the fortunate families, and God bless those less fortunate.
Enjoy the things you can afford quietly.
But what I would like to see is....people using social media for good.
Share your family memories with your loved ones in posts….but also share animals in need of homes, neighbors in need of emotional support, locations and organizations where victims of domestic violence can find help, etc.
I post my reality. On “X”, I share my life experiences regarding abuse and how to recognize the red flags. I know I am helping others by the feedback I receive.On Facebook, there are photos of my fur baby - that’s for me to preserve each and every joy he brings me. I’ll share my artwork to sell, my Julie’s Bloomies for exposure (sold exclusively at In the Pink in Livingston New Jersey), and I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it by sharing my cancer journey.
I’ll post a blog entry and tell you my life’s story so my past won’t be someone else’s future.
I’m writing this just to vent. But maybe something will click in a reader’s mind and they will start sharing lost and found pets, animal rescues, neighbors in need…and keep it all real.
Humbly yours,
Julie
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