A Rabbi Walked in to a Chapter

​One of the emails in a folder I went through last night….was an email I sent to a Rabbi Kulwin of New Jersey after he tried to get me to sign a gag agreement (Agreement!) protecting my ex husband (which was written by his congregant Marc Berson * my son’s father in law)…..they demanded my silence. And threatened that I will never meet my grandchildren.

This agreement demanded my removal from all social media platforms FOREVER.

My ex husband and adult sons painted themselves as victims.  Something very common in narcissistic abuse.  Narcissists play the victim to escape accountability, protect a fragile ego, and twist the narrative so that they appear injured rather than the offender.  This behavior is a core manipulation strategy.  My blog and social media presence angered them. 

Toxic families don’t address what happened—they expect you to stay silent and move on.

Well, a victim’s silence is an abuser’s greatest asset.

I own everything that happened to me.

In 2019….the email below is what I wrote to Rabbi Kulwin.

Good morning. 

There is so much I would like to say to you - so much you never understood nor were told....
Rabbi Kulwin, you should never judge a situation by the chapter you came in on.  And that is what you did to me in this horrible mess....
I never told you how I have a police report where my 18 year old son hit me in the back so hard I was rendered breathless, knocked to the ground.  I have that report.  I never told you what initially motivated me to get out of a domestic violence hell (trying to remove my sons as well), after being called to pick up Jared from a police station for beating up a girl on the school bus (she needed stitches in her head). I have that report.  I never told you my son who instigated a physical altercation WITH A YOUNG WOMAN  when he was in his twenties, in a pizzeria...still pushing and shoving her in the restaurant parking lot.  I have that police report.  The officer told me that Jared's father got in touch with the young woman's mother and forced them to not press charges ($$$$) - it was purged.  But I have that police report, too.  And so many others.  Including the one where my son said he wanted to spend an afternoon with my dog, and would return him to me in said parking lot----but he never returned, He kidnapped my dog.  This was the 2nd dog his father killed.  Jared is probably unaware of the details.  My ex admitted it in a forensic psychologist report - he poisoned my first dog, Rudy.  And Rocky was most likely poisoned from materials in the basement where my ex kept him locked up when Jared was not home.  Animal abuse.  It's the tip of the domestic violence cycle I endured.  My son was not a child then.  There was no blog for anyone to blame things on.  These were just evil acts carried out by bad people.

I have a folder of police reports on both sons.  Stored away in a storage unit.  I don't care to look at them...until some day when I may have to.  They are with the literally hundreds of medical reports I have on my own injuries suffered through the years of DV.

So you walked in on the chapter where I finally began to speak out and wrote a blog.  I wrote out my pain.  I sent it out to the universe and it didnt feel so heavy anymore.....that for me was a life saver.  Unfortunately.

What Kind of Man

​Tonight I did something very difficult and probably stupid.  I still don’t have a phone so I went through files on my iPad.

I have files on each of my sons, alienated from me for 20 years.

When they were 14 and 17 years old, and I filed for divorce….their father said I’d never see my sons again.  He orchestrated that to be true. Except I saw them so many times when they shunned me in courtrooms during my divorce as their father always involved them.  At one point in a courtroom, one teenage son looked at me and angrily asked, “How does it feel to know we’re ganging up on you?”

I occasionally, through the years, received emails from them.  I saved them all.  I reread some tonight and it’s sickening.

They are now 40 and 43 - I have 4 grandchildren who aren’t allowed to know I exist.  My ex husband didn’t allow my sons to get a full college education.  He put them to work in his business of Foodirect as soon as he could. When we were married, we fought about them going to college—it meant so much to me.  But their father said he didn’t want them getting smarter than him.

Tonight, I read such vile emails that my sons had sent me.  Viscous emails.  Mostly victim blaming and blame shifting.

Both my sons, Jason and Jared, blamed me for all the abuse I endured and didn’t want me to tell anyone about it (my silence was always demanded, and then a blackmail chip).  How do you blame the victim for domestic violence?  And what kind of person would do such a thing?

Responsibility for domestic abuse rests entirely on the perpetrator. Coercive control creates severe entrapment.  When (adult)children shift blame to the survivor, it deflects accountability away from the abuser and misplaces anger onto someone who was also a victim.

Years ago, I did take down my original blog.  I thought it would make a difference to them.  It didn’t.  And my silence was suffocating me.

An email from my son Jared said that he kept all his same old contact information just so he will know when I die. (Everyone in my life has strict instructions not to notify him.)

Aside from hurting terribly tonight, I have a question.

What kind of man thinks it’s ok that their mother was abused for 20 years (and then post separation abuse)?

My sons saw.

My sons are men now.

And all I keep repeating in my head is what kind of men could they be to think what I survived was all ok.

I carry a lot of heavy baggage in my mind and in my heart.

Writing my blog lightens the load tremendously.

The support of readers sharing my story, acknowledging it…makes it easier.

This is what victim blaming and blame shifting looks like: