Stolen Not Lost

"There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."

                                   -Madeleine Albright, 2006

The manipulation of children during or after a divorce is a serious form of post separation abuse often referred to as parental alienation or domestic violence by proxy.  An abusive ex partner will try to extend their control and punish the other parent by weaponizing the children.  And along this abusive emotional ride, they often incorporate others to assist in their brainwashing of the children.  

Telling the children false stories to convince them that the loving parent is dangerous, uncaring, or mentally unstable - well, that is just the beginning. Sometimes the abuser goes so far as create an entirely different reality with a new narrative, essentially brainwashing their own children into erasing memories and replacing them with what they are told.

Such an atrocity was inflicted on my two sons during my own divorce from an abusive man who was my husband for 20 years. If you don't believe in the manipulation and brainwashing of parental alienation, abuse by proxy, I am here to state an example that cannot be refuted.

Please bear with me as I begin with a little background here.

My ex-husband, Robert, began tormenting me with his version of a plot twist all the back in 1991 (I kept a journal).  At that point, we were already married over a decade and had two sons.  Robert told me that someday he was going to find a woman who needed him.  He further explained how it was best for him to have a much younger woman who "came from nothing", was uneducated, unworldly and would appreciate anything he threw her way.  He specially wanted a woman who was in his own word "desperate."  This abusive narcissist wanted to be worshipped.  And I did not fit this bill.  I was one year older than him, and although I obeyed (yes, or else there were consequences), I doted on our two sons.  I would never ever worship Robert Levine! Coming from a very financially comfortable family, I grew up with luxuries. So that was nothing new.

1991 was the first time I heard that threat. And it was not to be the last.  My sense of security as a mom was questioned as Robert loved to point to the younger women with stepchildren almost their own ages.  I reacted by withdrawing much of the time - realizing how very cruel this man was.  Knowing that he was more than capable of throwing me away like yesterday's garbage, I was never going to put him on the pedestal his narcissistic self required.  I was never going to worship him for beating the daylights out of me, locking me in bathrooms and closets, and controlling even the food I ate.  No, he would never be worshipped by me.

As the years proceeded, he would be chasing other women - younger women.  And I just tried to survive.  I knew about his secretary (young, came from less fortunate background, uneducated) who met his criteria.  Their relationship was confirmed by Robert's cousin as well as his brother-in-law.  There was also the Greek diner owner's daughter...and probable others I didn't know about.

Then came Janet.  I could look at it like she got my trash.  But that's not the entire story here.  She assisted in stealing my sons from my life.  Even after I begged for her assistance during my divorce.

Janet was Robert's sister's sister-in-law.  For many years throughout my marriage, she was present at family functions.  Janet had socialized with the Levine family for a decade.  She was much younger than me and I never really clicked with her to have a substantial conversation.  She was married to a man who openly cheated with his secretary (the entire family spoke of it).  All I heard for years was "poor Janet," as my mother-in-law would say of the many stories she was privy to regarding the Janet Pohl Torre saga.   My ex-husband's younger sister, Debbie, was married to Marc Pohl, who was Janet's brother.

Eventually, during our marriage, Robert announced he was bringing Janet food at night - from the family business, Foodirect, because she was struggling financially after her husband left her, periodically, alone with her son. So picture this, my ex-husband telling everyone in the family that he was doing a good deed by bringing this helpless woman food.  At night. Right.  And I have a bridge to sell you.

It was already into the year of 1997.  I had been forewarned years prior that Robert was seeking the perfect replacement of me.  The domestic violence kept escalating as he tried to push me out of my marriage, sometimes also threatening me with death. 

As I came more and more into myself, bolder than before - he was losing more and more control over me.

Janet was the person he was able to mold.  Narcissistic supply.  She would appreciate any crumbs my ex threw her way, she never even graduated high school (her brother told me), she loved to get high and experiment with recreational drugs (something I would not do in all the years Robert attempted to force me)...Janet was putty in Robert Levine's hands.  Narcissistic supply is the constant attention, admiration, validation, and emotional reaction that a person with narcissitic traits or narcissistic personality disorder requires from others to prop their self-esteem.  Janet fit the bill.  And she benefited financially from being used in destroying my relationship with my sons.

But she also knew what she was doing.  Plotting.  

By the late 1990's, I had already contacted the local police regarding the domestic violence I endured.  I had started telling friends and even my rabbi about what Robert did to me.  I was growing in many ways, starting to stand up for myself.  And I was learning about abuse, not just living in it.  I did not know it then, but Robert and Janet sneaking around a "lakehouse" in Mahopac, NY, meeting in restaurants saying it was just a coincidence...they planned on erasing me from the lives of my sons, Jason and Jared.

As Robert and Janet were together more often, the violence in my home escalated.  The abuse became unbearable - which I realize now was Robert's plan all along.  The worst of times was during the summer when Jason and Jared were away at sleep away camp.  Robert had even started threatening me with his guns.  

Robert, along with his paramour Janet, set the stage.  Hellbent to make my life as miserable and unsafe as possible, the beatings amplified.  Robert started involving my sons in the abuse.  When he'd lock me in the bathroom, he'd ask my sons on the other side of the door, "How long should we leave her in there?"  The three of them would laugh.  Then Robert would go downstairs into the basement, turn off the circuit breaker only to leave me in the dark for hours as the three of them would go out to dinner.  Leaving me alone in the dark, locked in the bathroom of my Bedford home.

He started involving my sons in so many ways - reshaping memories, molding a new narrative.  And I was not in it.

Just to jump ahead - I tried leaving all the abuse several times and filed for divorce three Robert 3 times.  It's true that the third time is the charm.  He kept threatening me.  On one hand, he was pushing me to leave him - and on the other, he would say that if I left him I'd never see my sons again.  Gaslighting and crazymaking were an everyday occurrence.  After years of court appearances, my divorce was finally granted on cruel and inhuman treatment. 

And throughout my divorce, he had Janet step in to take the place of me, my sons' mother.  She moved into my home after I left - while our divorce went on for years via the legal abuse Robert bestowed on me.  My sons were told that I broke up the family.  That I didn't love them enough to stay with their father.  That I wanted a new family.

And as evil as Robert Levine was and is....Janet participated in erasing me.  I raised my sons practically alone until they were 14 and 17 years of age.  But she went along with replacing my sons' memories.  She was a tool in the alienation of my sons.  

One of the most powerful tactics of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting—where the abuser makes you doubt your own memories, feelings, and perceptions.This is clearly exhibited with a narcissistic parent in parental alienation, abuse by proxy.

My sons wrote me horrible emails, calling me a cunt, wishing I were dead, and worse.  All based on lies they were told.  I was being blamed for things I never did.

Through the years...I emailed Janet, messaged her as well.  I begged for her to help me see my sons again during my divorce.  Her reply was, "Go fuck yourself."

I saved those emails.

Here's the bottom line of divorcing an abusive narcissist:  you don't lose custody - oh, no.  Your children are literally stolen from you.  Stolen.  

And I always thought there was some sort of obligation women had to help other women.  I was naive.

The real bomb was dropped on me only months ago, though.  When in a text message, my younger son Jared at the age of now 40 told me that I was only his "biological mother."

Robert married Janet as soon as our divorce was final.

I was already erased.

And remember I told you that I could literally prove the brainwashing involved?  During the divorce, my son Jared actually told me that his father just met someone "new" and she was his "new girlfriend."  My son at 14 did not remember all the years he sat across from Janet at birthday parties and other family gatherings.  It's as though his memories were replaced by what his father and Janet wanted him to believe.

But the "biological mother" crap was it for me.

It was a funeral.  It was a death.  It was the end.

That is the kind of bullshit manipulative narcissists drill into the minds of the young.  So that was it for me.  No more reaching out, no more praying, no more hoping.  In a matter of few words, my son let me know there was no hope of ever reuniting with my alienated children, as they were gone.  And so were all the fond memories of life with me in them. 

As long as they choose to think of me as only their "biological" mother, I could not bear it.  For I had given them my heart, soul, and every breath for their entire childhoods.  They were my entire life from the moment they were conceived, beyond the 14 and 17 years.  I cried every day during my divorce - over them.  I almost lost my life when I wanted the pain of not seeing them to end.  They were my everything.

And I am their mother.

I didn't lose Jason and Jared.

They were stolen.