Tonight I did something very difficult and probably stupid. I still don’t have a phone so I went through files on my iPad.
I have files on each of my sons, alienated from me for 20 years.
When they were 14 and 17 years old, and I filed for divorce….their father said I’d never see my sons again. He orchestrated that to be true. Except I saw them so many times when they shunned me in courtrooms during my divorce as their father always involved them. At one point in a courtroom, one teenage son looked at me and angrily asked, “How does it feel to know we’re ganging up on you?”
I occasionally, through the years, received emails from them. I saved them all. I reread some tonight and it’s sickening.
They are now 40 and 43 - I have 4 grandchildren who aren’t allowed to know I exist. My ex husband didn’t allow my sons to get a full college education. He put them to work in his business of Foodirect as soon as he could. When we were married, we fought about them going to college—it meant so much to me. But their father said he didn’t want them getting smarter than him.
Tonight, I read such vile emails that my sons had sent me. Viscous emails. Mostly victim blaming and blame shifting.
Both my sons, Jason and Jared, blamed me for all the abuse I endured and didn’t want me to tell anyone about it (my silence was always demanded, and then a blackmail chip). How do you blame the victim for domestic violence? And what kind of person would do such a thing?
Responsibility for domestic abuse rests entirely on the perpetrator. Coercive control creates severe entrapment. When (adult)children shift blame to the survivor, it deflects accountability away from the abuser and misplaces anger onto someone who was also a victim.
Years ago, I did take down my original blog. I thought it would make a difference to them. It didn’t. And my silence was suffocating me.
An email from my son Jared said that he kept all his same old contact information just so he will know when I die. (Everyone in my life has strict instructions not to notify him.)
Aside from hurting terribly tonight, I have a question.
What kind of man thinks it’s ok that their mother was abused for 20 years (and then post separation abuse)?
My sons saw.
My sons are men now.
And all I keep repeating in my head is what kind of men could they be to think what I survived was all ok.
I carry a lot of heavy baggage in my mind and in my heart.
Writing my blog lightens the load tremendously.
The support of readers sharing my story, acknowledging it…makes it easier.
This is what victim blaming and blame shifting looks like:
You are so right, Julie. Silence IS suffocating. And being threatened with "consequences" for breaking silence really only serves to confirm that the abuse occurred. If nothing ever happened they would have nothing to fear. The fact that you have courageously broken your silence and publish this blog, both the earlier one and now this one, won't get your poisoned sons to suddenly see the light and accept their participation in th abuse. Their father made them complicit in your abuse and violation. Of course they are men now, but their role model is their father, who taught them very well how to be abusers themselves. But writing/sharing is freeing for you, lightening the load, and truly helping others who otherwise think that they are so alone in their suffering. I love you.
ReplyDeleteThere are bouts when I miss not having them so much my heart hurts. It was good for me to read them , on a different level. They are not who I’d want in my life. I cannot combat their false memories and fabrications. I cannot battle their cruel words. It’s like banging your head against the wall. My ex husband was too strong, too influential, too evil. My adult sons are cruel beyond words.
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